The Written Journey of The MaS ... To Stay On Land Or Risk Falling Trying to Fly ?!?!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The new place to be

I have moved to a new blog address. it is now

livinindaze.wordpress.com

And as this moment that blog i would be known as a nobody.... enjoyz

posted by Elwyn at 11:37 PM | 0 comments

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The abandonment of this life ....

Abandonment of my blog? Maybe, but it is inevitable I guess. With the theft of my laptop, I cant do much work already. Let alone surf the net when I am home in Footscray. Not only that, I have a pretty confirm idea that my plans about staying in Australia would come to an end with the path towards doing CPA in Australia comes to a close. What choices do I have left? Well there are a few but I just cant think as to what they are. My mind has been rather lethargic and rather messed up with constant bad choices made in life. This is certainly really taking a toll on my mind. But there isn’t much I can do except to try scraping thru. With 2 big assignments daunting me for the next 2 weeks or so and a test which I must at least pass or score to bring up my last 2 failing test up, my mind is truly a world of a mess.

Well there isn’t much for me to say except that life is shit, and im a wreck at the moment. Symptoms of losing my own personal computer truly hurts me the most. Especially since I was heavily dependent on it.

Well that’s it so good byez ……

posted by Elwyn at 11:54 PM | 1 comments

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Holidays ! ! ! BUT is not holidays ......

Life is hectic as this week is suppose to be the mid sem break. but unfortunately i have an assignment due on the friday and thus cant really enjoy the holidays that well. sadness ! ! but this is life. its my final semester. hopefully i can make it through this time. emotions hitting me has made me rather unstable. instability is bad. but it could not be avoided.

feelings deep down are kicking my ass. unfortunately i have no idea what i am really saying here. my mind is a little blurry on what things really happening or rather i feel like i dun have any control over it. indeed this is really not something to brag about so lets move on.

to cut or not to cut. this is the question i ask myself to cut the locks of hair that i have kept for a long long long long long time. or so to say. majority is saying that i should cut and only 2 so far say dont cut. sooo still very skeptical about it. need to think. to think makes me unstable. unstable me do crazy stuff. crazy stuff makes me lose money.

so that would conclude what i think now since my mind is working properly. ... . . . .

posted by Elwyn at 5:45 AM | 0 comments

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Living Life In A State of Confusion

Life has been rather confusing with the final semester of studies is here. im now torn between to continue my studies or head back and find a job and study part time as well. what a dilemma that had struck me. these two options constantly running through my mind as i try and think what is the best possible option for me. with my constant dislike for studying i thought maybe just stop studying and find work. but i know i would really be hating my job as well, and to top that up, i would need to study part time. studying what part time, well CPA is my current option, and if i were to work and study part time i would most probably take 3 years to complete the CPA course and finally become a member of CPA. during that time as well i would need to work in the accounting or finance industry which is why i thought it would certainly be a drag for me.

but at the current moment, i am trying to draw out a plan which would have a fall back plan if i were to fail in securing a job that is. well my plans goes like this:

i would head back to malaysia at the end of january and then relax a little before starting my part time work that so far i have been guaranteed a place no matter what at borneo ink. while working part time of course i would need to apply for a proper job most likely in an accounting firm if by which i fail to do so, i might take up doing a post-grad degree which would most probably a masters in accounting in australia. that is my current plan so far. but no in depth details just yet. just a mere planning in my forgetful head. and i am writing this down in hopes that i would remember this plan of mine in the future. my memory is so bad that i had forgotten how old i am for awhile. it is that serious unfortunately.

well that is certainly confusing for me. and currently i dunno what i am doing this semester. my head is a little messed up with the mix up with the subjects. im not sure what week of my semester i am in. im really confused. there are alot of confusion about my subjects as well with the auditing and advance financial accounting being all theory base, my head is a little messed up by all those weird things i have to remember. such as the UIG, the ASIC, the AASB, the AUASB, the FRC, and the list goes on with all those acronyms by which i have to learn by heart seeing that they are close book exams. and of course there is the law subjects. yes 2 law subjects this final semester and its not funny. so far my arguments are shit, most probably because i havent done any reading for it yet, especially for my law of financial institution and securities. i am sooo weak in my will power to study. or rather in my mind, i would do anything else but to study. indeed this may have become the case and this time it is far worse than before.

well i still try to put a little effort in studying but its getting less and less than before. but im slowly getting there i guess. hahahahahaha

confusing isnt it life. life is definately confusing. but life has to go on no matter what right. so just living my life the way i am used to and not the best i can. why because its more comfortable this way i suppose. live life the way i am used to for comfort. just nice isnt it. well thats about it. hahaha .... updates .... see how la ...

Labels: Confusion

posted by Elwyn at 11:45 PM | 5 comments

Monday, August 27, 2007

The 3 Years, The Living, and The Studies

Been messing up my life recently. And might be heading towards a path of social destruction. But its okay. I would have guessed that this would happen. As a wise man had said, gossip is the most destructive force in the world.

Owh it has already been 3 years since the beginning of the long love-hate relationship. It was a long journey but well worth. Good to know isn't it. Sorry but mental block can't write much about anything.

The studies is heading towards a downward spiral with more sudden breakdowns happening. Trying to study, but unable to keep the mood right for long. Can die without the mood.

And there you have it. The life im going thru at the moment. You can always get alot of updates from her blog. Enjoy ...

posted by Elwyn at 2:58 PM | 2 comments

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Surviving

surviving, well i am trying my very very best to survive. luckily i had recently gained a lil bit of boost from my father in financial terms. this would certainly help me survive longer or survive better for the same exact time i have already budgeted my money for. but surviving financially is just not enough, i have to survive mentally, physically, and if possible socially. but sometimes it is a little too much of me to ask such things. but i dont mind.

surviving the harsh winds, surviving the growling stomach, surviving the occasional headaches and surviving the occasional flu. those are the few physical survival that i go thru and there are many things to survive thru mentally but shall not be talked about. i guess i am just an introvert with little or no subconscious ambition of making new friends which would lead to a harder social survival. but survival in social terms are still bearable.

...........................................

a continuation after i just finish working myself to death. work to wash cars. 39 cars was washed. and i still couldnt complete washing the cars as i need to wipe them of the water. first have to rinse the car with a spray which is pretty easy. the second part is the hardest where i have to carry a mop (that is used to wash the cars and weighs alot god dam lot) laced with the washing detergent and water to wash the car from top to bottom. the third part was to rinse the car of the soap and the fourth part would be to wipe the car clean of the water so that there wouldnt be any water marks on the car. at some point i had help from the lady who fetch me to work from the train station. even then the work was pretty unbearable.

from my most humble opinion, this work isnt worth the money. i got wet, my hands went numb cold, my shoes were soaked, my jeans got wet, and i had to carry a petroleum can which then i accidentally spilled petroleum on. on another note, my arm hurts like hell and i could sleep because my arms hurt soo much that the sharp pains were too much to bear and i ended up popping 2 pills of panadol to ease the pain a little. even at this moment, my hands are trembling a little, still pain but isnt as bad as the time i wanted to go to sleep. my legs werent so bad. but i think i had nearly put out my back trying to carry some stuff. I AM SERIOUSLY UNFIT FOR PHYSICALLY DEMANDING JOBS SUCH AS THIS.

well it is my fault for accepting this job anywayz. haihz a great regret that left me in alot of pain and trembling from the unstable muscle.

ahhhhhh surviving is certainly a pain in the butt!

surviving is a real shit.

surviving really takes a great toll on the body and mind as well. can die wei ! !

but surviving is all that i need to do!

sad case of a human i am.

posted by Elwyn at 8:19 PM | 0 comments

Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Mental Note Of A Realist

As i open my computer screen, and look through the my results for my second last semester, i realized that my uni life is coming to an end as i go through this final semester. This final semester which i have been heavily burdened which all theory subjects with double law and double accounting subjects, which all four are basically theory and very little or no calculations at all. This are the subjects which i fare the worst in most cases. At the current moment i am extremely de-motivated and de-moralized if those two words really exist and they might seem the same as i do not have the books and i have no idea whats going on again. Depression has really hit me hard this time around as i get closer and closer to the end of my uni life. Even at this moment, i am still considering the fact to run away from the work life by maybe continue doing a post-graduate degree like one of my seniors. But the thought of studying really haunts me with the fact that my studying skills is horrible and to the fact that i wouldn't have been able to make it through my previous semester without the helps of the girls back in m'sia.

truly many thoughts is running through my mind and its killing me. i wanna run away from all of this. as to a fact that i would be a bad accountant with all the knowledge i have learnt over the period of 2 and a half years has all been forgotten and forever lost. The idea of working in an industry that i have no interest in really is killing me. even my plan to take a break for a year and work a relaxing work has been rejected, but i guess 1 year is too much. *sigh*

with this fact my things run through my head like bullet trains but always hitting a snag point like hitting a concrete wall that is constantly there. with this the bullet trains of my thoughts hitting the concrete wall which concludes the total destruction of the train but seemingly the wall doesn't seem to be damaged at all. the wall is always there. most probably i think too much, i dream too much, i wonder too much. should all this come to an end? i dunno for sure.

this is an entry of many contradictions but its not the point. this entry is about how my depression has hit me hard. it has really slammed me down to the ground. and slammed me hard. it also seems as though the depression has a foot on my head as im down on the ground. whats wrong with me, well its just typical depression. but the depression has hit me harder than usual as im not in my true place of comfort. without the normal distractions i had. there is nothing i can use for me to run away from this reality. and its just killing me. really it just kills me ...........

my heart and mind says i want friends and make new friends but it is also my heart and mind that stops me from doing so. fear, fear is really a powerful thing that controls my life. i submit to fear, and i submit to addiction. i fear all those things that are good and yet i am drawn to some of the addictions of life which has degraded myself in my life. who would have though i live my life in such a pathetic manner. im utterly pathetic. seeking sympathy and seeking compassion. my life seems like a total sham.

i cant believe a person like me can life this long in this world which is so harsh. i know im being ungrateful here by saying such things. as how i would always complain about my life but without hesitation, is instantly compared to those who are far off worse. but when i do not succeed then i shall be again compared with the best again without hesitation. though it was a long time ago, but those words still rings in my head as they were words that constantly repeated in front of me.

i had live my life cautiously thinking every possible consequences and outcome of my every possible action when im into deep thought and fear is born. my fears were born and yet i didnt realize them till now. this is a saddening news knowing that i am such a loser in my own eyes. some may look it that way too but others may not. it is true i may be the only hope of my parents. but the burden seems too heavy to bear it alone. by alone meaning how i feel lonely i feel most of the time. i realize i cant ask too much. at times i treat myself worse than a human. but why, because i had given up on myself? i know there are many others who hasnt given up on me. but i have too much thoughts running through this useless brain of mine.

and what seem clear has become blurry and i finally realize that, it was never clear but just my imagination and my own very lies to cover up the truth that i had been lost all this while. im just reaching out to stars that others are holding on strongly but i am nowhere near to even have a grip. not long after i find myself floating adrift further away and away from that star, that sun, into a spiraling darkness of my black heart. what is it that i truly want is truly a mystery even to myself.

i may be homesick. but it seems that in this new environment of mine, i am more susceptible to drifting into the darkness of my heart. maybe my heart longs to be a loner or maybe it longs for more people to realize that this heart requires some tending to. but it may also be neither. or maybe both. but who knows i myself dont even know.

my life is a sham,

my life is a lie,

my life is a mess,

my life is lost,

my life, my life, my life is an utter failure.

derivation of all these thoughts are the maybe ... or maybe not the collection over the 9 years that i have began to be depressed. hey, if im lucky, my depression may end at the 10th year, with my demise, my fall, my doom, my death.

who knows. i may be important to some but also insignificant to many. my lost may also be a benefit for the world. i might even cause the fall of others so wouldnt it be better if my existence was erased? but of course im not at liberty to say, but i know many hearts will break at my lost. but maybe its for the best? who knows, no one know for certain isnt it. like how my life is, no one knows how it would turn out to be. it may be good, or may be bad. even i know that. but with such a demotivating character, it would be wise to shut it down isnt it?

as the tears flow from the eyes, i think i just hit an all low. i've went thru this stage before, in the land of the down under. but this is on a whole new level where i just could not bear the pain of the heart any longer. my substitution of pain is unavailable, my world of escape is gone, makes my life so unbearable at times. seeking substitution to it seems like hell. but again there is no substitution to what i had before.

and i also realized that when i begin my work life, i wont have the luxury of time escaping the world that i had begun to loath. it is not the world itself but with the people on it. i have serious problem with other people and may prove a great disaster for me. but does it really matter? im just no good anywayz.

i think by now there are some who are crying some cursing some stunned. if anyone of you had read my old blog, you would have remembered a post about my depression to a point that i nearly committed suicide.

how is my life suppose to be then ... of course i wouldnt know it then. its been fice years since the incident. truly a turning point i guess. but within that time i had come to understand the true meaning of dying. but indeed many times death had always been so tempting, so alluring, sometimes its seems to call out to me. but of course fear has always hold me back. indeed fear played a great deal in my life. fear for so many things has caused me alot of pain, not physically but mentally.

life is truly painful to live and constantly the side of death seems so alluring, that the thought of jumping in front of a train comes to mind sometime. indeed depression can drive a person mad.

depression, depression, depression, depression, an evil that kneads itself into the hearts of many and surfaces at the weakest time.

final mental note to self.... buy a gun ....

Labels: the depression

posted by Elwyn at 5:56 AM

Friday, July 27, 2007

Its been a year ! ! !

It has been a year since i started this blog. A blog hidden from the rest of the world where only the readers of my choosing gets to read my inner most thoughts. Hahahaha. Just like how my last blog was, i think i would abandon this blog of mine in the future. Yes i dont stay true to 1 blog, but they are always with me. My old blog was abandoned as my father found it. This blog on the other hand is protected where only a certain few has access to it. Hahahaha all girls except for a guy.

I would most probably create a new blog or maybe i wont in the future. It really all depends on the circumstances that i face in the future. Wouldnt it? Well it was fun being here despite only having 60 posts including this post here. But at least there were some things to be put on right.

Now i would have to see how things goes on for now. The final semester is here. And i guess i should try to strife for the best result. If that is ever possible. Hahahahaha. And about the mousy mousy i dun think i shall be taking any videos of me cleaning my room. Since the last semester is beginning i shall be busy again. Haihz, I CANT BLOODY FIND WORK! Cibai indians! Well its my fault also that i am incapable of many things. Have to find work. No more money. Hahahahha. Is starving an option?

Well thats about it for my 1 year post. May things go well for this entire semester! ! ! ! !

Labels: 1 Year Old

posted by Elwyn at 11:56 PM | 2 comments

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Little Mousy

Hahahahhaa it hasn't been long since i last blog and i am guessing this shall be a short little update ....

Owhh my room has a little mousy somewhere. It has already claimed the Kit Kat as his/hers as she chewed the side of the Kit Kat. With the fear of it being extremely dirty i threw away the Kit Kat. Wasted 2 Kit Kat. But then again it struck again. This time apparently it is aiming for my Indo Mee stock. This happened when i woke up in the middle of the night to take a leak and then i head back to my room. As i thought it was 6 in the morning due to the alarm clock that had stopped. I only realized it was 3 in the fucking morning when i went to my laptop. And then i heard a little rummaging sound from behind me. As i didnt wear my specs and as i was still sleepy and groggy from just waking up from sleep, i saw what it seems to be a little brown mousy jumping out of my indo mee box and jumping away to the trash heaven (its a heap of things i piled up in a corner of my room where there are old news paper, and my plastic bag full of maggi mee). I was too sleepy to give it a chase but i did check my indo mee stock to see whether it has been tempered with or not. So far it seems all okay to me. Hehehehe.

Well thats about it. Little mousy heaven for now cos i am lazy to clean up at the moment. But will clean up soon enough. Hehehehe.

Labels: Mousy

posted by Elwyn at 6:52 AM | 5 comments

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Reportings of my results...

I know you guys must think I suck at this moment but yeah I am sucking at this moment since it has been really awhile since I last updated my blog here. At this time which is at 09.03 hours aussie time, I just got my results which is 3C s and 1L and there is no marks for the L just yet. I am now trying to find out what L stands for. Is it for Late? Lambat? Lazy? Less than average? Lucky? Or LOSER!?!? So my results are pretty okay seeing that I did get 3 Credits. To make it all nice I got a 61, a 62 and a 63 and a L which I am still figuring out what it is. Lets see what I got for what.

Looks like I got a 61 for Corporate Accounting, the class which i sleep in tutorials and skip the lectures half way thru. Hahahahaha indeed i didnt expect to to get a credit but all my aim was a pass, I have outdone myself, wahahahahaha this is good news for me I am sure of it. Anywayz for this exam there was a past year paper which had answers to it. I just did that and memorize the answers and the way how to do the practical questions. Of course there was the part where I left the exam hall 45 minutes early because I didnt want to do the questions that I wasnt on the past year paper. So i split from the hall early. Hahahaha. The first paper of the all the exams and it was fucking early in the morning which was fucking cold!

The next would be International Banking and Finance which i got 62. This exam was an open book exam with me flipping thru all my lecture notes and some tutorial give outs I am able to score my second Credit. It was the last paper and I was pretty confident that I Passed the paper. But never expected a Credit. But hey it is a plus right getting a Credit when I was only expecting a Pass. Hahahahaha indeed it is good. 62 is pretty good for me. This open book exam really had some copy and paste answers available to me since I am a good boy and always go to tutorials and got this handout that the tutor gave and explained a little. The exact question came out and I just copied the answer out exactly and secured myself the 8 marks that it was worth. Hahahahaha. Good shit I tell ya good shit !

The next Credit in line would be for the subject Investment Portfolio Management. It is quite a fucked up subject with a quite fucked up lecturer and tutor (please note that the lecturer and tutor is the same guy) as he was really full of himself and really thinks he is the ruler of the world. You must obey him or he fucks you up nicely. Anywayz i did pretty okay in the internals such as the tests and the assignment with my other groupmate which i thought i slaved but there were others who slaved more than me. Hahahaha. It was a memorable exam as it was pretty dull I think. Hahahaha certainly a dull subject where you have to count the bloody fucked up bonds and what ever present value shit but it was okay. Hahahaha it is all forgotten by now. Bad bad boy I am.

The L is still bothering me. Arghhh stupid L. Why does L-oser has to be there and not my marks. Must be the fucking John Fucking Bingham who still marking the papers. FUCKING SLOW MOTHER FUCKER! He is a piece of shit I tall ya! But its ok la now. Since it is all over. I just have to fucking wait for the results for that final subject Credit and Lending Decisions to be out and I shall be in the safe zone. Hehehehe.

Well the ski trip will be explained in detail by Sue on her blog soon I guess. Hahahaha it was a cold but good trip. Cold and wet trip I might add. Cold and expensive trip as well. Cold is the main thing there. If you ever wanna go skiing please make sure you have a full on mask and goggles to use. I would recommend it. It could save your life. Hahahahaha.

Life is cold here. Really cold. Not used to the cold and recently after the ski trip I fell sick with fever as I tried to take care of Sue who was sick. But instead the table was turned and I got sick and she gotta take care of me. Thanks to that I have lost 2kg from my previous weight and also for the fact that my jeans is quite loose. Not sooo good I guess but I am still trying to regain that lost weight. Well for the fact that I am a lazy guy who doesn't want to exercise I think gaining weight should be easy here in Aussie. But I think I can regain the lost weight soon I hope. Hehehehe.

Anywayz I am soooooo fucking lazy to write my resume and applying for part-time job to supplement myself here in Aussie but I never got around to it. Not very nice thing to say but I just cant help but to put it up here. Hahahaha. Sorry there will be lack of pictures as well. I wouldnt put up my birthday pics as well since there isn't much pics to put up anywayz.

Ahhhhhh i dunno wat else to write so this ends it ... hahahaha

posted by Elwyn at 4:01 PM | 2 comments