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lost dreams

Here lies the story of an amateur. An amateur in almost everything. This shall be a page of limitless talks about his rants, journeys, and his forever amateurish undertakings. The amateur is called The MaS, and The MaS is none other than Elwyn. MaS is short for MaSaLaH, which came to hit me in the head! It came many years ago, and so it shall continue to be used till this day and in the future. But it seems that you might want to know my past. My past lies here. So if you ever wondered how i was, then you can always check on my old blog. So enjoy the post that i post up every now and then.

Well this blog would certainly be staying private forever after all, and hopefully when I am ready, I shall begin a new blog as how i hope i could begin a new life.


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Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Mental Note Of A Realist

As i open my computer screen, and look through the my results for my second last semester, i realized that my uni life is coming to an end as i go through this final semester. This final semester which i have been heavily burdened which all theory subjects with double law and double accounting subjects, which all four are basically theory and very little or no calculations at all. This are the subjects which i fare the worst in most cases. At the current moment i am extremely de-motivated and de-moralized if those two words really exist and they might seem the same as i do not have the books and i have no idea whats going on again. Depression has really hit me hard this time around as i get closer and closer to the end of my uni life. Even at this moment, i am still considering the fact to run away from the work life by maybe continue doing a post-graduate degree like one of my seniors. But the thought of studying really haunts me with the fact that my studying skills is horrible and to the fact that i wouldn't have been able to make it through my previous semester without the helps of the girls back in m'sia.

truly many thoughts is running through my mind and its killing me. i wanna run away from all of this. as to a fact that i would be a bad accountant with all the knowledge i have learnt over the period of 2 and a half years has all been forgotten and forever lost. The idea of working in an industry that i have no interest in really is killing me. even my plan to take a break for a year and work a relaxing work has been rejected, but i guess 1 year is too much. *sigh*

with this fact my things run through my head like bullet trains but always hitting a snag point like hitting a concrete wall that is constantly there. with this the bullet trains of my thoughts hitting the concrete wall which concludes the total destruction of the train but seemingly the wall doesn't seem to be damaged at all. the wall is always there. most probably i think too much, i dream too much, i wonder too much. should all this come to an end? i dunno for sure.

this is an entry of many contradictions but its not the point. this entry is about how my depression has hit me hard. it has really slammed me down to the ground. and slammed me hard. it also seems as though the depression has a foot on my head as im down on the ground. whats wrong with me, well its just typical depression. but the depression has hit me harder than usual as im not in my true place of comfort. without the normal distractions i had. there is nothing i can use for me to run away from this reality. and its just killing me. really it just kills me ...........

my heart and mind says i want friends and make new friends but it is also my heart and mind that stops me from doing so. fear, fear is really a powerful thing that controls my life. i submit to fear, and i submit to addiction. i fear all those things that are good and yet i am drawn to some of the addictions of life which has degraded myself in my life. who would have though i live my life in such a pathetic manner. im utterly pathetic. seeking sympathy and seeking compassion. my life seems like a total sham.

i cant believe a person like me can life this long in this world which is so harsh. i know im being ungrateful here by saying such things. as how i would always complain about my life but without hesitation, is instantly compared to those who are far off worse. but when i do not succeed then i shall be again compared with the best again without hesitation. though it was a long time ago, but those words still rings in my head as they were words that constantly repeated in front of me.

i had live my life cautiously thinking every possible consequences and outcome of my every possible action when im into deep thought and fear is born. my fears were born and yet i didnt realize them till now. this is a saddening news knowing that i am such a loser in my own eyes. some may look it that way too but others may not. it is true i may be the only hope of my parents. but the burden seems too heavy to bear it alone. by alone meaning how i feel lonely i feel most of the time. i realize i cant ask too much. at times i treat myself worse than a human. but why, because i had given up on myself? i know there are many others who hasnt given up on me. but i have too much thoughts running through this useless brain of mine.

and what seem clear has become blurry and i finally realize that, it was never clear but just my imagination and my own very lies to cover up the truth that i had been lost all this while. im just reaching out to stars that others are holding on strongly but i am nowhere near to even have a grip. not long after i find myself floating adrift further away and away from that star, that sun, into a spiraling darkness of my black heart. what is it that i truly want is truly a mystery even to myself.

i may be homesick. but it seems that in this new environment of mine, i am more susceptible to drifting into the darkness of my heart. maybe my heart longs to be a loner or maybe it longs for more people to realize that this heart requires some tending to. but it may also be neither. or maybe both. but who knows i myself dont even know.

my life is a sham,

my life is a lie,

my life is a mess,

my life is lost,

my life, my life, my life is an utter failure.

derivation of all these thoughts are the maybe ... or maybe not the collection over the 9 years that i have began to be depressed. hey, if im lucky, my depression may end at the 10th year, with my demise, my fall, my doom, my death.

who knows. i may be important to some but also insignificant to many. my lost may also be a benefit for the world. i might even cause the fall of others so wouldnt it be better if my existence was erased? but of course im not at liberty to say, but i know many hearts will break at my lost. but maybe its for the best? who knows, no one know for certain isnt it. like how my life is, no one knows how it would turn out to be. it may be good, or may be bad. even i know that. but with such a demotivating character, it would be wise to shut it down isnt it?

as the tears flow from the eyes, i think i just hit an all low. i've went thru this stage before, in the land of the down under. but this is on a whole new level where i just could not bear the pain of the heart any longer. my substitution of pain is unavailable, my world of escape is gone, makes my life so unbearable at times. seeking substitution to it seems like hell. but again there is no substitution to what i had before.

and i also realized that when i begin my work life, i wont have the luxury of time escaping the world that i had begun to loath. it is not the world itself but with the people on it. i have serious problem with other people and may prove a great disaster for me. but does it really matter? im just no good anywayz.

i think by now there are some who are crying some cursing some stunned. if anyone of you had read my old blog, you would have remembered a post about my depression to a point that i nearly committed suicide.

how is my life suppose to be then ... of course i wouldnt know it then. its been fice years since the incident. truly a turning point i guess. but within that time i had come to understand the true meaning of dying. but indeed many times death had always been so tempting, so alluring, sometimes its seems to call out to me. but of course fear has always hold me back. indeed fear played a great deal in my life. fear for so many things has caused me alot of pain, not physically but mentally.





life is truly painful to live and constantly the side of death seems so alluring, that the thought of jumping in front of a train comes to mind sometime. indeed depression can drive a person mad.

depression, depression, depression, depression, an evil that kneads itself into the hearts of many and surfaces at the weakest time.

final mental note to self.... buy a gun ....

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posted by Elwyn at 5:56 AM