Today i was greatly hit by the sense of "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING STUDYING ALL THIS CRAP THAT I NEVER EVEN WANTED TO LEARN" !!! Indeed it hit me hard in the head. Of course i soon woke up and realize that this is something that my parents wanted me to do. I abandoned my dream of doing psychology with my mother kick out the idea of me doing psychology due to the fact that there are no work opportunities. Indeed i kinda saw things the way she did, as i was forced to. So i entered uni life knowing that i shall be doing the business side of life. I knew that it would be a great mistake in my life, but it is a choice which i am forced into. Now undergoing my final year of uni, i realize (very very rude awakening) why am i doing this !!! WHY !!!!! Of course my parents were the main factor of this decision, and they told me that the choice is mine. Maybe it was, but it must be the fact that i was too much of a chicken and just followed what my parents had 'advised' me to do. Indeed, from the International Trade and Marketing (to suite with my father's trading business) to the whole new major of Accounting, Banking and Finance (something my mother said to do, as my aunt and uncle advice her that i should do that with a greater chance to walk up the corporate ladder).

With the fact that i am struggling with my studies last year, i realize that i might suffer even worse this year with the fact that i am lacking the help i would be able to get back in m'sia. It hit me again and again, "What am i doing here, and why am i doing this?". Again and again i try my best to re-assure myself that this would be the best for myself in the future with the idea of working in an accounting firm to gain all the necessary experience before starting my own business. I wonder whether that is a dream of mine, or just a back-up plan for me to fall on as to the fact that i have no idea what future i want for myself. Indeed it is a fall-back plan indeed. It was never my dream, just a day-dream of my fall-back plan since i am in this line. What is my dream? What is my goal? Why am i here? And who am i? These questions has come back to haunt me from the past till this day and age. I already reaching the age of 21 this year and yet i haven't matured like some of the people i know.

All i know is that i have some of the smallest dreams for any guy, some of the smallest goals in life, and realizing that my presence isn't all that powerful, and still struggling to find out who i am. Of course this small dream, small goal, has kept me alive to make my presence known whether it is little or not. But of course i think that my life is not going down the path i should. I know this is a long ranting post, but bear with me awhile. The truth about this world is indeed very cruel, and with this fact, i act accordingly. Does this make me the evil person i am? Well i have to say yes. I always used my sense of honesty to test the waters of a friendship and also a long term relationship. If people want to get to know me, then i shall of course inform them all the truth about myself to the very core of who i am. My most brutal honesty seems to push away most of the potential friends, and very few remain. Indeed it is hard to understand what others think as i feel that everyone is different, and i myself is different as well.

What can i really do for myself, but to go through with my fall-back plan and just stick to this plan closely. But to go through this plan, i need to study and i find myself not being able to study anymore. I can't seem to understand what i am studying and also to the fact with all my mishaps in class. Such as sleeping during lectures and also tutorials despite all kinds of remedies, even to the point of stabbing myself with my pencil has no effect. Though i told my parents, they think it is something else. Guess i have again no choice but to follow this path towards my own doom, unless i do something else that would change the path i am on at this moment. Indeed this shall be what i have to ponder in the days to come.

With the tests coming on wed and also thurs. Having all 4 subjects a test would be beyond something i would normally do, and with chores that i have to do on the daily basis, i am tied down to having myself read the lullaby study materials. Most of what i read doesn't register in my head as it does not make sense to me. I am a man of science and i think i may have made one of my biggest mistake in my earlier days. Sadly i need to move on as the past is the past, and what i can change is only the future. I will try to push myself in order to make sure the fall-back plan would be much of a success. This is where the sadness overwhelms me as i could no longer live the small dreams i had in my life.

Let this be a lesson. Studying is no help in life especially if you are not interested in it and also if it does not make any fucking sense to you at all. The choices may be in your hands but there seems to be an invisible force that would push you towards another path except for the few who are truly lucky. Can someone survive such an ordeal? There are many, but in this new age and new generation, there are more things to think about. The world is no longer simple as it used to be and has gotten to complex to the extend that the younger the generation is, the more complex things become for them. Can their brain take all this complexity and survive the new world, which was far different from how it was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago, and so forth. I am no longer surprised by the suicide numbers of the younger generation and also the mental problems that arise from this new plague.

Am i one of those who is suffering from this new plague that continues to grow and evolve even further with every human development? Well, i never know myself, but i know this, there are very few times i enjoy doing things. And maybe i have to look for new options in life. Studying is definately not one of them. AS I HATE STUDYING!~!!!

A post of frustrations, a post of self pity, a post of self reflection and of course a post of complaints.

Shall i blog about the incident of the 'Forgotten Name'? ? ? Well i am thinking whether i should post it or not. Maybe out of fit of stupidity, i shall do it. But not now of course, just another time.








I think i would do it, to remember how it was. This is a good place to keep memories for myself knowing that i have goldfish memory.

Well it is time to sleep!

Slay your kin, fend your enemies, and sacrifice, for all the wrong reasons.